Proving Them Wrong: My Continued Journey Through Rehab
I
remember someone once said that the progress you make in the first year
of recovery is all the progress you'll ever make. Well, that might be
true for some people—but not for me. I'm still making progress 17 years down the road. (Even though the progress might not be in leaps and bounds like they may have been in the beginning, it's still coming. So I really believe that with the right mentality, the progress will still happen.) The moment I heard that, I made up
my mind to prove the naysayers wrong. And wrong is what I sure did!
(Granted, at the time, I could barely make sense of the thoughts coming through my mind, but that's what I like to tell myself and to those who are willing to listen to this story.)
So I've now completed this five-week rehab program I’m participating in. Which I hear that the first phase is completed, the next phase is to implement what I've learned here to my daily life back home in Moreno Valley, CA. Which makes me a weee bit🫰 nervous. The reason I'm nervous is because of my OCD "disorders," which have taken this long for these to be identified as "disorders." (more about this will be covered below. But I'm nervous because I have learned ways to work on resolving these "disorders" and make them more into "tendencies" I guess. I don't know if that is really what you would call them or not. But I have lived with these things for so long now that I feel like they have kinda become a part of me. So now, am I really just supposed to let go of them and pretend that they do not exist. (Luckily we are experimenting with medicines to help with this and to see which one works the best and with the least amount of symptoms.) See, I really do want to get rid of some of these things. Because they bug the heck out of me too, but there are other things that I feel like I do and they actually help me do things better. So this is the part that makes me nervous about taking these meds. But the vast majority of these are detrimental to my life and my biggest relationships around me running very smoothly. But some like loading the dishwasher in a certain way. (I am certain that I got this one from my Gpa Moriarity, and I wonder if that is where I wonder if I get my OCD-ness from him too. Probably, thanks GRANDPA! Lol.) I'm kidding, I still love him, but he probably knew of a way to go along with these things in a harmonious way. (Maybe not from the stories that I've heard over the years, where loading the dishwasher was something that he did in a very specific way.) But see, I have actually thought about how the water moves inside of a dishwasher and I can imagine how the water would be able to reach each dish and be able to clean it. But who ever thinks like that? I don't know, but obviously not the people that are close to me and who might have an issue with this. And I've heard it asked, "well, do the dishes get cleaned if they do the dishes?" To which I'll respond with "Well, yeah... But they probably just got lucky that time. And if it wasn't luck, then they will likely need to wash these dishes after they pull them out to put it away." But who really checks each dish to see if they're clean before they pull them out of the dishwasher? But you don't usually look at each of the dishes as you pull them out. At least I sure don't. But you don't want to put a dirty dish away if it's dirty, right? Well, if you suppose that everything that you put in there is going to get cleaned, why wouldn't you put it away?
So, this program (is called the After the Impact (ATI) program) aka "The Eisenhower Center is a 30-45 day residential treatment program that pairs military veterans and retired professional athletes. (No pro athletes here though.) Since opening in 2020, they quickly realized veterans and athletes have a natural camaraderie. They become curious about each other’s experiences, which foster communication, they gain a greater sense of community, and it enhances empathy with each other. In the military and professional sports, both populations train, play, win and lose together- it only makes sense they heal together. We have offices in Ann Arbor, Chicago, Jacksonville, Nashville and New York. Eventually, it was adapted to serve military veterans." (https://livingprosports.com/resources/after-the-impact-fund/.)
There are a couple other locations, including one in Ann Arbor, Michigan, which is where my Speech and Language Pathologist is located. I met with her virtually using the Teams app, since she’s up there. Aside from her, I also work with a physical therapist, Mr. Kevin, who, interestingly enough, is focusing more on my eye muscles more than any other muscles in my body. Also a number of behavior specialists; Dr. G, Mrs. Kacey, and a Mr. Jeremy who are all attempting to crack this shell that I have built as my defensive armor. Luckily, they were allowed to just come walking through the gate, because I had recognized before that there were a lot of little changes in me that I needed to "fine tune."
One of the first days that I was here seeing my physical therapist, I used a Brock string for the first time in over a decade which is something I last used during my “low vision" days. And Mrs. Kacey was actually the first one to believe that my reasons for stumbling as much as I was losing my balance was due to my "ocular motor dysfunction."
Ocular motor dysfunction refers to a range of disorders affecting eye movement control. It can result in difficulties with tracking, focusing, and coordinating eye movements.
Types of Ocular Motor Dysfunction:
- Strabismus: Misalignment of the eyes, leading to double vision or poor depth perception. (Me to a "T.")
- Nystagmus: Involuntary eye movements, which can affect vision stability. (As it turns out my eyes literally jump when I'm trying to scan for things.)
- Saccadic Dysfunction: Impaired ability to make quick eye movements between targets. (Same as above.)
- Pursuit Dysfunction: Difficulty in smoothly following moving objects. (Same as first and second ones.)
Causes:
- Neurological conditions (e.g., stroke (an ABI,) multiple sclerosis)
- Developmental disorders (e.g., cerebral palsy)
- Trauma or injury to the eye or brain (TBIs)
- Certain medications or toxins
Symptoms:
- Double vision (Yup)
- Difficulty reading or focusing (Yup)
- Eye strain or discomfort (Yup)
- Headaches (Luckily, not for me)
Diagnosis:
- Comprehensive eye examination
- Neurological assessment
- Imaging studies (e.g., MRI, CT scans) if a neurological cause is suspected
Treatment Options:
- Vision therapy or eye exercises
- Prism glasses to correct alignment issues
- Medications for underlying conditions
- Surgery in some cases, particularly for strabismus
Consulting with an eye care professional or neurologist is essential for accurate diagnosis and appropriate management.
For those unfamiliar, a Brock String a white string with several colored beads used to improve focusing at different distances to improve visual function. According to Google, it helps with:
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Eye coordination and teaming: Helping both eyes work together effectively.
-
Convergence: The ability of the eyes to turn inward to focus on a near object. (Because each of my eyes sees its own image, which means that I need to actually fuse each of those images into one image, essentially like crossing your eyes.)
-
Accommodation: The ability to focus clearly at different distances.
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Suppression: When one eye ignores the input from the other (which is what my eyes do - or rather, don’t do).
-
Depth perception: The ability to judge distances. (I have difficulty with this sometimes.)
I've also been speaking with a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, Mrs. Kacey, for a few years now. She’s helped me countless times - especially when I’m going through one of my “cycles” (as my wife calls them), when I become irrational and make decisions that disrupt the peace in our home. AND, apparently, I now have some of my weird quirks that can better be defined as "OCD tendencies/ disorders" that have appeared kinda out of nowhere. Even though I was doing some things before, that are NOW since my life is like being inspected under a giant microscope, is now coming out and being addressed. Has anyone else experienced anything similar to this?
Mrs. Kacey is actually the one who recommended that I come to "her program here in Florida." (Which I never paid much attention to her saying that, I thought she was just saying that because she worked here. But I guess not. According to the other people who I've asked, they all agree that she is like "the head boss." Or in military terms, she would be like a 4 star general. I think that if I were to ask her, she might possibly say that there are other generals here as well. So if that is true, then I guess she might be the Secretary of Defense...? Like she still does work like the other therapists, but she might do a lot of the behind the scenes work that needs attention in order for things to move along smoothly.)
The hardest part of having been here in FL? I can EASILY say that being away from my family is the hardest part. I haven’t been apart from them since the second year of my marriage, when I last went on the POWER Mission Trip. That was back when I mistakenly felt like I still felt I had a reason to go. But after meeting my wife in 2010 and hearing God tell me during my first visit that I would meet my wife at that school. I felt like my POWER mission trip chapter of my life had been fulfilled. A big part of me being here is to be able to identify different emotions that others are showing, and then me reacting accordingly in the best, most appropriate way possible.
We need to rewire our brains (us, people with TBIs,) because the things that we've learned are all still up there in our brains, but the way to reach that knowledge have been disrupted. So we just need to install like a search bar in the browser of our brain to find those things in all of that "mess" of your leftover brain that you have. But some of the stuff that I have been learning here is that our thoughts have an impact on EVERYTHING we do. So some things that we need to try to do is realize that gratitude is what we need to practice if we want to rewire our brains and we need to do that continually so that the gratitude out weighs all the criticism. And I have to realize that I have control over the thoughts that enter into my brain. Another thing I've learned is that people really only change for two reasons, either they feel the heat of what they are creating, OR they see the light and realize "AH-HA! It's not that bad to do ______." You can fill in the blank there.
